My Relationship OCD
More often than not, our past experiences inspire and direct our actions, reactions, responses and even the thought process. We always let our experiences - good or bad, guide us and our perceptions. Needless to say, she also let her experiences guide her and now when she's about to start a new phase of her life, all the experiences are pushing her into rOCD or Relationship OCD - its just that she didn't know, not until that night at least.
Growing up, she had her fair share of heartbreaks. The first one was when her school friend chose someone else instead of her and still continued to lead her on - until the day she chose to cut down the ties. The first heartbreak, the painful one led her to believe that maybe she didn't love him enough. Didn't love him enough to make him stay. Didn't love him enough for him to see how much he meant to her and to the great extents that she would go just to make him smile. Every single thought about her shortcomings made her lose herself - piece by piece.
Learning from the first one, she made sure that she didn't fall in love right away. She didn't confess soon. She made sure that he loved her too - and not in the mood to choose someone else. It all worked out - he liked her, she liked him and finally they both were together - or so she thought. When you're in a relation, you want to be the best version of yourself, just so that the other person keeps loving you more and more. She would do everything that he asked. Meeting him at odd hours, bunking college, skipping her internship hours, making out when he wanted to and how and where he wanted, changing her group of friends, changing who she was - all just to make sure that he stays with her, all because she was in love with him.
College days were getting over and reality was striking in - but they both were strong. He controlled her and she was submissive. Things were good until the time someone entered their lives - someone so close to her shook her world to its roots. He cheated on her. He left humiliated her by choosing this new person and making her a ridicule for the entire college to see. The second heartbreak was painful than the first one. It was too much for her, she couldn't face anyone and that led her to one of the hardest decisions of her life - moving out. When moving on isn't easy, you have to move out.
She changed her city, her friend circle but moving on is never easy. The second heartbreak made her lose a huge piece of herself. You see, she didn't understand that there is nothing like "more love" - if someone loves you, they love you in entirety quriks and all. The way she changed herself, she couldn't recognise herself anymore, let alone love her ownself. All now she knew was that she is not enough - she will never be enough for any one, not for her friends, not for her family, not for any guy that she will love. This thought stuck with her for a long time.
Time passed by, things changed - she found someone, the one who loves her for who she is. Definitely this time she isn't changing herself for anyone, she has learnt her lesson the hard. Things are good and he is so committed to her. But from time to time, the past experiences push her into anxiety and she starts questioning everything.
It was one such night, when she was alone with her thoughts. Gazing at the stars, she thought of all the good times she has had with his guy. Suddenly, from the back of her mind came a thought - why does he even love me, I am not worth all this. She was trying to find a reason of why he loves her and why he still hasn't left her for someone else. She still can't believe the fact that, for this one time, for this one guy, she is enough, her love is enough. She couldn't find a reason, she still can't. She always asks him why he loves her or will he leave her - and as caring as her, he always smiles and answers her.
That one night, the rOCD struck her and has been with her forever since. She always ponders on the same thought - how can she be enough for someone. Often inspired by her past experiences, she feels guilty thinking that she is stopping him from being with someone who deserves him.
Even after 4 years of relationship, she still can't let go of the thought, she can never heal or put together the pieces that she had lost of herself. Maybe someday she will overcome this, maybe she won't, hoping deep down that he stays by her side, through it all.
Growing up, she had her fair share of heartbreaks. The first one was when her school friend chose someone else instead of her and still continued to lead her on - until the day she chose to cut down the ties. The first heartbreak, the painful one led her to believe that maybe she didn't love him enough. Didn't love him enough to make him stay. Didn't love him enough for him to see how much he meant to her and to the great extents that she would go just to make him smile. Every single thought about her shortcomings made her lose herself - piece by piece.
Learning from the first one, she made sure that she didn't fall in love right away. She didn't confess soon. She made sure that he loved her too - and not in the mood to choose someone else. It all worked out - he liked her, she liked him and finally they both were together - or so she thought. When you're in a relation, you want to be the best version of yourself, just so that the other person keeps loving you more and more. She would do everything that he asked. Meeting him at odd hours, bunking college, skipping her internship hours, making out when he wanted to and how and where he wanted, changing her group of friends, changing who she was - all just to make sure that he stays with her, all because she was in love with him.
College days were getting over and reality was striking in - but they both were strong. He controlled her and she was submissive. Things were good until the time someone entered their lives - someone so close to her shook her world to its roots. He cheated on her. He left humiliated her by choosing this new person and making her a ridicule for the entire college to see. The second heartbreak was painful than the first one. It was too much for her, she couldn't face anyone and that led her to one of the hardest decisions of her life - moving out. When moving on isn't easy, you have to move out.
She changed her city, her friend circle but moving on is never easy. The second heartbreak made her lose a huge piece of herself. You see, she didn't understand that there is nothing like "more love" - if someone loves you, they love you in entirety quriks and all. The way she changed herself, she couldn't recognise herself anymore, let alone love her ownself. All now she knew was that she is not enough - she will never be enough for any one, not for her friends, not for her family, not for any guy that she will love. This thought stuck with her for a long time.
Time passed by, things changed - she found someone, the one who loves her for who she is. Definitely this time she isn't changing herself for anyone, she has learnt her lesson the hard. Things are good and he is so committed to her. But from time to time, the past experiences push her into anxiety and she starts questioning everything.
It was one such night, when she was alone with her thoughts. Gazing at the stars, she thought of all the good times she has had with his guy. Suddenly, from the back of her mind came a thought - why does he even love me, I am not worth all this. She was trying to find a reason of why he loves her and why he still hasn't left her for someone else. She still can't believe the fact that, for this one time, for this one guy, she is enough, her love is enough. She couldn't find a reason, she still can't. She always asks him why he loves her or will he leave her - and as caring as her, he always smiles and answers her.
That one night, the rOCD struck her and has been with her forever since. She always ponders on the same thought - how can she be enough for someone. Often inspired by her past experiences, she feels guilty thinking that she is stopping him from being with someone who deserves him.
Even after 4 years of relationship, she still can't let go of the thought, she can never heal or put together the pieces that she had lost of herself. Maybe someday she will overcome this, maybe she won't, hoping deep down that he stays by her side, through it all.
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